A Good Day.

I was in school today.

I sat in a lobby with comfortable chairs and worked on "Becoming a Master Student". I wrote until my hand gave out and read when I could no longer fill out the quizzes and essays include in the book.

Students funneled past me by the dozens; some young, some old, some tall, some short, some Black, some White, some Asian, some Latino and Latina all passed by me in a swiftly flowing human wave. An elderly woman with short black hair and tiny almond eyes sat two chairs to my right. She wore glasses with square-shaped lenses and passed an individually-wrapped candy to the young woman next to her. She smiled when I noticed.

A man sat across from me. He was handsome and young, with caramel skin and coffee colored eyes. He was dressed fashionably: red shirt, white tennis shoes emblazoned with an unfamiliar name brand, accessories and a hat. He had short black hair and a scruffy beard. He ate a strong smelling sandwich of some kind then pulled out his laptop. He noticed me just as the candy-sharing woman did. He smiled as well.

Two seats to my left was a young Asian teen. He wore blue, and had glasses with thick black rims. He slept while I noticed the woman to my left, while I worked on my essay, and as the students came and went. For a while I pondered waking him up, just to make sure he wasn’t going to be late for his class. Before that urge became too strong to resist he woke and checked his watch. Then he was gone just like the rest of them.

I took my placement tests today. I did not go in expecting anything in particular from them; other than the assumption that I would do decently on the English test and do poorly on Math. I was correct in my assumptions. I did very well on the English, scoring 111/120 on Reading Comprehension and scoring 118/120 on Sentence Skills. I do wish I could have seen the correct answers so that I could figure out what I did wrong, but 118/120 is nothing to be disappointed by. The Math test was less of a success. It’s a cliché to compare Math to Greek, or some other foreign language, but that’s exactly what it looked like to me. There were letters, parentheses, fractions, decimal points and everything else that seems designed for the sole purpose of confusing linguistically-minded people.

I placed into English 100, but I was also placed into the least advanced math class in the school. So before I can take Math 120, which is a requirement for my degree, I have to work my way up the remedial math classes.

Through all of this I had no difficulty. There was no panic in my chest; no slowly growing anxiety in my belly. People looked directly at me and my only response was to smile back. I took a test and was not overwhelmed. I did poorly on a test and reacted with humor and understanding.

I’m slowly learning how to separate the preconceptions in my head from the reality of the situation. I have a long way to go, but I’m getting there. It takes time and strength to convince yourself that smiles are genuine. It takes logic and confidence to understand that if there are thoughts about you in the heads of others they are unlikely to be as bad as you imagine them to be.

In the end, I feel as though entering a classroom will be the biggest challenge, because that will be the experience that most closely mimics those that sent me into a panic. But I’m starting to believe those around me when they tell me that college will be a fundamentally different experience compared to high school. It’s either that; the fact that I’m older, wiser and more stable, or the fact that this is a completely different school that is making it easier for me.

There is still time until my classes start, but tuition has been paid and I am as ready as I feel that I can be. I plan to follow Roommate #1 to school next week so that I can sit in the lobby with the flow of students and expose myself to that which frightens me in preparation for the real thing. It’s not exactly the same as being inside of a classroom, but it is a school, I will be studying, and I will be surrounded by students.
I think I’ll be just fine.